Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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