Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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