forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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