yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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