I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
