Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
