Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
