Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You have to summon your inner elephant
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
