If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
