Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
