happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We have started to decorate penises.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
