True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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