Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
