Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sarcasm needs its own font
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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