You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
