Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His hands were made for my vagina.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
