hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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