I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
