Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
