Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
