My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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