what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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