Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
