New low: just hacked my moms facebook
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
