When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
