I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Actions speak louder than pants.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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