She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
