You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
