Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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