Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
