I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
