found the other keg... it's in the tree
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
