I got chris browned last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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