I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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