How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
