Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
