I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
