I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
