3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I love you. Go after that dick
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
