I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
