bring money and cleavage
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
