Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
