i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
