so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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