Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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