He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
