News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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