Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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