It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
