I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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