i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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