I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
